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Ever feel like your brain is a mess, and there seems no ready remedy, but, making peace with it for the moment?
That time when two world-renowned boxers that we may call, anxiety and depression, are stationed in opposite corners of your mind’s arena. Each punching the other to make room for your attention. But, even before either wins the match, you feel like your mind is scrambling at each flex.
You want neither of the two to win, yet you would rather, anxiety does, instead of his senior depression.
Strangely though, none of the two is ever interested in winning the match. They just like to have a good time in the arena of your mind. As tough fighting to just stay in the fight; but, at the expense of peace of mind. All they seem to just need to keep at it is your helplessness as you watch them flex.
Well, when you are helpless, you won’t blow the whistle to end the match, even when you know it is in your hand. So, all you do is painfully sit back, as if inebriated by their swift motions and watch them fight, as the weight of each punch reverberates within your chest.
Their reward for a compliant referee is a few minutes’ break. And when that break comes, your heart somehow leaps with ecstasy and energy- short-lived as these two are. I guess this explains why some days one feels hyper energetic and on top of the world- like nothing can stop them from achieving anything!!
On other days, you can barely drag yourself out of bed. You often wonder whether life is worth the burden of living. All self-depreciative aspects of your persona suddenly come alive to your conscience; “Damn, what a failure I am,” you say to yourself.
Joy and misery just hang in balance- imbalance, rather. Either everything is freaking fantastic or you feel like it is tumbling. A healthy medium is just not attainable in the scheme of things.
And all this is simply because the dominating boxer commands the day.
Let’s take my own chaos, for example, Days I am full of anxiety are animated by sharp shifts between a lot of different thoughts, assignments and course works. But, finishing none.
And on a day, when I’m feeling KO’d by depression, I get lost in one thought or assignment and slowly chip away at it until it’s done, and then move on to the next task. Though I have come to learn that good distraction, such a hobby, paired with a small sense of accomplishment does wonders in this state!
Day drags by as you watch helplessly the match.
