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When I was young, I always thought growing to the 20s guarantees answers for pretty much all of teenage questions. I thought by being twenty, I would have it all figured out. I thought I would finally grasp who I am, what I want in life and what I want to make of it.
But I was wrong. And I’ll tell you why…
First, I am only in my early 20s- a virgin vicenarian (fill free to look up the word- bet you’ve heard it before, ‘hihi’), by the way. But, I have never felt so lost! And more often than not, I’m inclined to think everyone within my age-bracket feels pretty much the same.
The world seems to spin a lot faster than it did when I was younger. Humanity seems to be in a race I am not part of. People seem to be competing for an accolade I am not aware of. And here I am, at best, feeling like I am trapped in an arena, expected to race, but I don’t know what for, where to, against who and why!
At times it’s easy to say and tell yourself and your peers to “take your time” or to “go at it at your own pace”. However, there will always be this underlying pressure. It just sucks, especially the feeling of being left behind!
When I was young, I always hated it when someone told me what to do and how to do it. (Of course partly because I was pig headed, <chuckles>). I’ve always wanted to feel in control and be fully independent. But, now that I virtually am- almost completely in charge of my own life- it feels burdensome and unnerving captaining this ship.
From the outside looking in, responsibility feels a cool thing- I wish it was. Calling the shots. Deciding yourself what to do, when to do it, where to go and only answering to whom you choose to. But, the thought of it is dreadful! Simply because “womaning” or “manning” the steering wheel means when you mess up, no one else but you gets to clean it up.
You are the only person who can decide and pull yourself out of situations you find yourself in. It’s even more scary when God’s not part of the equation.
The battle rages on or has to, against the ever-present,temptation to do nothing, but binge watching mind-numbing stuff on You Tube or, doom scrolling. Overtime it feels like being trapped in a constant loop of despair that is your own doing.
In such times, it becomes easy to put off important things for the next day. Next thing you know, months have passed and you’re still in the same situation that you were before.
Here is another thing I have realized; the terrifying and paralyzing inevitability of choice.
The only way to pull yourself out of the loop is deciding to get out of it. Don’t be fooled, however, by how easy this may sound.
How do you make a choice out of hundreds of options, all of which somwehow promise that you will err?
I think people my age fail to make a choice not because of not knowing what they want but rather, it’s about not being sure whether they are ready to face the hardships of pursuing what they really desire.
Even though making mistakes is just another part of life, there is still an instilled fear of failure.
Whether we admit it or not, inaction is always the easiest and most convenient thing to do. This is because it is easier to make excuses rather than pursuing something you want, simply because you don’t have to face the probability of failure. Or, have to frustrate working for something you deeply desire but think you can’t have.
Then there is the moment where, being in the realm of possibilities seems to be better than fully knowing that something you’ve always dreamt of is simply not for you.
The truth is, inaction is despair in the image of simple pleasures, I may. I have come to realize this that way. Either way, it is a trap you have boxed yourself in. Sure, it’s comfortable and it’s safe. But, no matter how you look at it, it’s still a box.
Honestly, I don’t really have the best advice to give because I’m in this very position.
However, I think I finally understand the idea that if you really want something the only thing to do it is to face it head on.Rather than overthinking every possible scenario of failure. Maybe it’s okay to just go for it- eyes closed- and see where it takes you. It’s scary and may seem to go on forever. But, I guess the best thing to do is to gather the courage and to take a leap of faith.
After all, this is only the beginning of- not growth, but, beating the trap of “Growing up”. Cheers!
